Hey there, and welcome. If you’re here, it’s for one reason, and one reason only: you want to know the definitive ranking of NFL head coaches by their objective hotness. Everyone has their own personal list, but I have yet to see one online that claims to be the be-all, end-all of rankings. There are numerous “hottest QB” and “hottest player” lists, but nothing that gets down to the real meat, the real prime rib, the real sex appeal of the team: the coaches.
That ends today.
The list will start from least hot, and go to most hot, the cream of the crop! So get out your pens and paper, and start jotting down the definitive ranking of NFL head coaches by their objective hotness*.
32. Bill O’Brien
There’s something off-putting about Bill O’Brien. It isn’t his coaching ability. The Texans currently are dominating AFC South, and the management seems to like him, seeing as he was given a four-year contract extension at the beginning of this year. If this list weren’t about hotness, O’Brien wouldn’t be bottoming out the list. But it is, so he is. Something in his eyes give me Anthony-Hopkins-in-Silence-of-the-Lambs vibes, and I would be really unhappy staring into them over dinner at the nice Italian place he really likes in his neighborhood. Probably a nice guy, but sorry, Bill. You’re number 32 in this ranking of hot coaches! I don’t want to look at your face.
31. Mike McCarthy
Mr. McCarthy has been with the Packers for a long time, and has gone through several different looks during his tenure. His “Big Bear Daddy®” beard years were arguably his hottest, and shaving off that sucker was a huge mistake. When we revisit this list next year, if Mike has regrown his face sweater, we might be able to bump him to a higher number. But as it stands, there might be a new Packers coach for the 2019 season, anyway. This might be Mike’s only year on the definitive ranking of current NFL head coaches’ hotness, and it’s at a paltry 31. Better luck next year, Michael!
30. Marvin Lewis
Oh Marvin: the man who looks like Hue Jackson’s & Mike Tomlin’s love child who also somehow is older than both of them. Not to mention the fact that his name is Marvin, which evokes images of a cartoon martian at best, and the old man in the nursing home who won’t stop pinching butts at worst. Sorry, Mr. Lewis, but you are not bringing much to the table. You’re not the bottom of the list, mostly because your face has a nice symmetry, and I believe that you have the soul of a man who gives his grandchildren crisp 100 dollar bills at every holiday, including Halloween. If you work on your facial hair game for next year, I believe you could break into the 20s of the list.
29. Sean McDermott
We’ll start with the positives here. If you look at McDermott from the tip of the nose down, he has a little something-something. Chiseled jaw, a well-groomed beard, and let’s face it, he’s a sharp dresser! But when you take Sean in as a whole, he looks like a baby that was aged up rapidly, and something went wrong. The situation could be amended with some eyebrow makeup, and maybe permanent hat game. I think Sean McDermott should get up with Cam Newton, and see where he could purchase some fine swag to hide the upper half of his head. Maybe next year, Sean, you’ll rank a little higher.
28. Andy Reid
Andy Reid looks like your friend’s dad who is always at home, in the La-Z-Boy® sipping a Bud Light®, mumbling to himself about how he could do a better job than the chefs on Chopped. He says things like, “champ,” and “sport,” and is always asking you about how basketball is going, even though you’ve told him every day since the day you’ve met that you don’t play basketball, you do theater. He gets bonus points because he has the most piercing blue eyes, a cuddly demeanor, and you have to give respect to a man who has rocked such a thick mustache for so very long. Perhaps too long.
27. Gregg Williams**
Gregg “Greggory” Williams has such potential. Glasses, a furrowed brow, and what hair! If this were a ranking based on people from the neck up, I think Williams would have a really good chance of being in the top 10. But it isn’t – we’re talking about the full package here. If he could get to the gym, maybe participate in a pilates class or two, and tone up, he’d be a real contender. But as it stands now, he’ll sit at a paltry 27. If he stays the head coach into the 2019 season, we’ll reevaluate his ranking.
**as of writing this list, Gregg Williams is the acting head coach of the Browns. While Hue Jackson was a head coach in the 2018 season, I will not be including him in this list because he is no longer active with the Browns. As this is a very serious undertaking, I want everyone to know that I am taking this very serious list very seriously.
26. Sean Payton
Sean Payton has a boyish smile, and lots of well-placed wrinkles that tell me two things: he’s lived a long life, and he knows how to have a good time. He isn’t the most handsome, but he isn’t the least handsome, and there’s something about that smirk that leaves you intrigued. I’m sure he would treat you to an unforgettable evening at the putt-putt golf course with ice cream afterwards. Unfortunately for Payton, I’m not sure that there is anything he could do to bump himself up on the list. He’s a safe hot – not too spicy, something your grandma could put her mouth on.
25. Pat Shurmur
Pat Shurmur is the alternate reality version of Sean Payton where Sean Payton is just marginally more handsome than he is in our universe.
Unrelated: his last name sounds like someone started saying a word and gave up.
24. Dan Quinn
Dan Quinn is middle-of-the-packing it, because sometimes he looks like an uncooked yeast roll, and other times he looks like a snac™. There’s no in-between. Make a decision, Quinn! It’s up to you whether you rise to the top or sink to the bottom.
23. Jason Garrett
Jason Garrett has the same issues as Dan Quinn, in my mind. Sometimes he’s a real Daddy™, and then you turn around and he looks like he slithered out of the hot tub at the gym after soaking for about 20 minutes too long. Consistency is key to be in the upper echelons of hotness, and neither Quinn nor Garrett have what it takes at the moment. Quinn probably has less of a chance of going much farther on the list, but Jason Garrett is a wild card. With his boyish good looks, and flaming red hair, he has the potential to become the Daddy™ of the Year, or run right into the “I instinctively lock my doors when I see him” category. Good luck, Jason. We’re rooting for you.
22. Adam Gase
Where Quinn & Garrett have potential to rise and fall drastically, I think that Adam Gase’s final & only resting place on this list will be at a mediocre 22. He’s got it going on® when he smiles, has a beard, or both, but too often he looks like a man plotting to kill, kill and kill again. In fact, I felt so strongly about illustrating this dichotomy of man that I included two pictures of Gase. On the top, you have the Bachelor who’s looking for love in all the wrong places, and on the bottom, you have the mugshot of an alleged murderer.
Just as well. I believe Adam will anchor this list in a constant struggle to be hotter, while being entirely unable to achieve. Keep rolling that rock, honey. You’re doing great.
(Tie) 15. Guys That Look Like Your Friend’s Dad Who Has a Country Club Membership
Probably has a huge fortune. Was obviously super hot when he was younger. Anna Nicole Smith would have smashed.
Would let you use his new golf clubs, and his tab at the Country Club Cafe™. Kind eyes. Weird – but intriguing – neck.
Ridiculously tall. Willing to help you perfect your short game. Will spring for the bottle of the slightly older, more expensive wine.
Would never dream of commenting on your weight. Ready to try out that new fish place that just opened up the road from the country club. Would go halfsies on the surf-and-turf.
Isn’t mad, just disappointed. That disappointment fuels the fire in your loins. Brings you flowers without you having to ask.
Constantly ready to make love, or make war. There is no in-between. Keeps things spicy.
The dad you had a crush on as a kid. Holds your hand when you are frustrated, or angry. Will go to bat for you if someone accuses you of lying.
14. Frank Reich
Frank Reich has coached a lot of teams, and despite being ditched time and time again, people keep coming back for more. In fact, the Colts brought him back to the fold for the 2018 season as head coach, after he served them in various coaching positions from 2008-2011. So on top of being a tall beefcake, there’s a mysterious bad boy appeal about Reich that just makes you want to know more. He’s ready to catch your balls, if you’re ready to give them to him.
13. Doug Pederson
Doug Pederson is the version of Doug Marrone who hasn’t been crushed by life. He’s tall, successful, and can pull off a headset. Despite the fact that most NFL coaches constantly wear headsets, most of them cannot pull it off. Yet here Pederson is, lording it over the rest of the coaches. This is how you wear a headset, people. Take notes. Take. Notes. Also: is his hair real, or just very well-done hair plugs? The world may never know. Unless we collectively get to run our greasy fingers through it.
12. Steve Wilks
Steve Wilks serves Denzel Washington realness, and I am here for it. He constantly looks like he is in the midst of a steamy drama/thriller that breaks boundaries while reinventing them. If he showed up outside of my apartment, dangling from a helicopter, arm outstretched and whisper-shouted, “get in!” I would jump.
11. Matt Patricia
Matthew Patricia has a luxurious beard, eyes that could pierce you with longing, and he would definitely cuddle you back to sleep if you had a panic attack.
10. Vance Joseph
What is there to say about Vance Joseph, first in the coveted top 10 of hottest NFL coaches (2018 season)? The baseline of hotness: he takes care of himself in terms of grooming; he serves major face (just Google him, and you’ll see the absolute ridiculous amount of facial expressions this man has), so you know he’s here to have a good time; and I would trust him to carry me across a raging river. That’s an important factor of hotness, and one that many people don’t often consider.
9. John Harbaugh
Woah! Here comes that boy, John Harbaugh, rocking that headset! That’s to say nothing of his award-winning smile, perfect salt-and-pepper hair, and general vibe of confidence. This is a man that would know what to order you at a restaurant before you even arrived, and even though you were a little peeved that he ordered for you, you had to concede that he picked the perfect thing.
8. Mike Tomlin
Mike Tomlin is a handsome man who has looked the same since I remember being conscious of football. He has aged so imperceptibly over the course of his tenure as head coach, I wonder if he will age all at once: rapidly, suddenly, horribly. But that’s neither here nor there. Obviously a handsome man. It’s just hard for me to rank him higher because the quarterback for his team is a rapist.
7. Jon Gruden
Y’all are probably wondering why Jon Gruden is here, so very high on the list, when he sort of looks like an uncooked potato. I’ll have to be honest with you – it’s not all based on his outside appearance (I mean, the hair alone could be enough for a bottom 3). In fact, most of it is based on his charisma. You know you’re going to have a good time with him on one of his 20 yachts. You know he’s going to surprise you with a private airplane ride to a penthouse suite that overlooks Times Square on NYE. You know that he is going to gift you with diamonds from Tiffany’s® on the anniversary of the first time you guys had lattes. He’s gonna remember all the dates, even the little ones, and melt you every time. You know that you are going to be totally and completely wooed by his charms. Don’t lie. You know it.
6. Todd Bowles
Todd Bowles looks like Terry Crews’ slightly older brother in all the right ways. Need I say more? Need. I. Say more.
5. Mike Vrabel
Mike is a H O T T I E. He has the added benefit of being a former professional athlete (which, to be fair, isn’t unique to the list, but) who looks like he could still play the sport if someone shoved a helmet in his hands. An award-winning smile, and big hands that could effectively lotion your feet, legs or the hard-to-reach parts of your back. The only downside is that he seems a few cards shy of a full deck. If I saw him with Catch-22 or Pride & Prejudice in his hands, we could talk about bumping him up on the list.
4. Matt Nagy
Here he is, folks. Daddy™ of the Year. The spot so coveted by Jason Garrett belongs to none other than Da Bears™ coach, Matt Nagy. He’s got the beard. He’s got the grin. He’s got the look of a twice-divorced man who’s ready to have his heart broken again. We can help him with that.
3. Anthony Lynn
A beard that could slice cheese. Nipples that could cut diamonds. A mouth that would smooch you so tender. The man has it all: grit, and grace. Anthony Lynn would take you on a weekend ski trip, kiss your pink nose in the snow, make you hot chocolate with extra marshmallows, and then ravage you in front of a fire on top of a faux-bear-skin rug.
2. Sean McVay
By now, those who have their own homegrown lists are probably frothing at the mouth that Sean McVay is not in the coveted NUMBER ONE spot. But stop right there, fellow hottest NFL head coaches (2018 season) fans. I am going to illustrate to you exactly why Sean McVay could not possibly hold the #1 spot.
Sean McVay is the hottest coach from the side ONLY (pictured above).Chiseled jaw, good hair, immaculate skin, and need I go on about the headset? He looks like he has everything under control, like a man that doesn’t wear deodorant because he has never sweat a day in his life. But turn him to the front?
I know what a number 1 hottie looks like, and this ain’t it, fam. This ain’t it. Is Sean McVay hot? Yes. Is he the hottest? No.
This brings us to…
1. Kyle Shanahan
This is it. The pinnacle of the NFL’s head coaches. Sean McVay if his head had continued growing long instead of wide. The amalgamation of all the best qualities of every head coach on this list, and beyond. He will love you. He will hold you. He will smolder for you. And you will be his, for all time. Get lost in his eyes, my friends.
The smile of a man who has just seen a dog do something really cute, like sleep or exist.
The concern of a man who can’t believe you just called yourself fat when he knows you are perfect.
The knowing squint of a man who is about to go to pound town just for looking so handsome, so chiseled.
Mr. Shanahan, congratulations. Despite having a name that sounds like the person pronouncing “Shurmur” got confused halfway through, you have triumphed over all other head coaches to be named the hottest NFL head coach (2018 season)™. Congratulations. Your trophy will be in the mail.
To all the contenders, my hats off to you. This was not easy to judge, and many painstaking hours were put into its conception. At no point in time did I forget a certain coach existed, and shove him into the next closest place he would fit. At no point in time did I forget that I was making this and come back to it weeks later. This was a constant, and concerted effort to give you the most comprehensive list of NFL head coach hotties. Because that is what football is about, right? Ogling the players. The water boys. The coaches.
See everyone next year.
(Remember y’all, this is OFFICIAL. The Library of Congress is going to immortalize it in their hallowed halls, right next to the Jefferson draft of the Declaration of Independence and Die Hard.)
*for the 2018 season